Yo guys!

This ones not depressing I swear. I'm going to Thailand in a few weeks with my family and hopefully when I get back I shall be attending Uni to do a film course. So I'm really excited for the next few weeks, also am looking for a job closer to home. Theres a few vacancies around the road so I'm going to rock up with my mad cunt resume tomorrow and try to be super sweet so people don't think I'm a total fucking idiot because I have no experience in retail.

Also, me and Jay just celebrated our 2 year anniversary. We did heaps of shit, Healesville Sanctuary, Beechworth Bakery, Drive ins and I can't remember what else. He brought me flowers and shit last night to work and it was hilarious because a girl on front counter was in tears she thought it was that cute of him. Managers just made fun of me though. Aside from fucking loathing my current job (the job, not the people) shits going great. A overseas holiday on the horizon and possible uni options are two things that I've been wanting and now they're here. So I can stop feeling so useless and actually get a fucking degree in something other than being a fast food bitch.

In even more good news I'm seeing Underoath on Monday with mah bestest buddy Maree, and then Soundwave on Friday followed by Sean's birthday and then Odd Future in June. So shit is looking beyond fiine currently. Other than the fact that I'm poor. Fair trade though.

Dear Anon,

Yes, I know there are people dying in third world countries. I am aware of this, but does that not mean that I can't be (at the time) absolutely terrified of leaving my boyfriend. To you it sounds like nothing. To you its a relationship and means jack shit. To me though, its the person who stuck by me through everything. I lost a lot of people in the months leading up to us going out, and he was always there. He didn't judge me, and he let me cry. He was the person I was with when I saw my Aunt for the last time before she died. I've been friends with him for 8 years. Thats a long fucking time to be friends with someone. I caught the bus with him everyday for 6 years. He's one of the only people I've ever loved.

So you call me a narcissistic cock for being scared of leaving him because he made a mistake? You call me a narcissistic cock because I was scared. Well, I'm sorry. I never meant to offend you by being honest to myself. The last thing I did when I made this was worry about how it was going to affect you because this isn't about you. It's about me.

Also, I absolutely do not get any attention from this. At all. Your actually one of very few people to comment on anything, and here you are hating on me and I don't even know who you are. Which also points out some pretty poor character traits about you. Anonymously hating on someone you don't really know. I may come on here and sook, winge, cry and be dramatic but I've never fucking sent anyone anonymous hate.

I will admit the whole Anne Frank thing is probably offensive to some, and it was written like 4 years ago, so that's changed hopefully to satisfy you. You know what, I know these are stupid fucking problems. I am well fucking aware of that. Why do you think it goes on here? At first this was for me to blog about everything but now I come here and have the occasional bitch because theres no fucking point saying this shit to people because it is pathetic. So yeah, congratulations, you called me pathetic when I was already well aware that this entire blog is pathetic.

In all honesty though I apologise for pissing you off so much. I will let you know that I am much happier now, and obviously me and Jay did sort everything out because were still together. I come here and I write this shit down and then if I'm still feeling the same way a few days later I come back and read over it. I realise what a sook I sound like, I do this shit so I don't make as many mistakes. So I don't dump my boyfriend over a something stupid. I read over it later and I laugh at how upset I was that I could possibly write something that negative. So yeah, I guess to sum up this whole thing is that yeah, your right. Everything you said was right. 

Surprise

Me and Jay just got back from Mt Martha, and I had an honestly awesome time with him. It was all singing and driving and he just rubbed that much moisturiser into my boobs because they got burnt so hard its just fucked up. So he was hydrating my skin every night, and loving it. Plus, I read another totally fucking awesome comic by the mad cunt Allan Moore (and others) called Swamp Thing. Was sick, you should all go buy it. It was just awesome, swimming all day and then watching X-Men in bed reading comics, it was seriously mad.

But, thats not what I'm here to talk about, on the way home we were listening to Taking Bak SUnday really loud and like full belting out the lyrics like douche bags, and earlier in the day we went into this shop and it was literally like Karen was everywhere. It was this totally awesome hippy shop and it just reminded me of her so much. While we were singing Jay was like, 'Man how bad did that shop remind you of Karen today. It was awesome' and he meant it like, in a what a badass she is kind of way. Anyway, I was just like instantly transported back to when she was at my house ater Soundwave one year, and I was trying to show my parents the pictures I took and they weren't interested but Karen was. What she did was got me to print off all my favourites and sign them all because she said that one-day I would be famous and they would be worth a lot of money and we just laughed and I signed them. One of the photos I remembered signing was the one of Adam from Taking Back Sunday. I instantly started crying but not like sad crying just like happy crying, because she was honestly the most awesome person ever and she inspired me to do good, and she made me feel like I was doing good. It was just nice to remember her as the total fucking badass that she was. 

Kill people

I am wondering why the universe likes to throw piles of shit on my face all the time. I just wish I didn't exist right now. I wish I had the fucking strength to break up with Jay. I wish I was fucking strong. I wish I wasn't this pathetic weeping bitch that it just so far beyond being pathetic that she wants to just cease all living. I'm just sick. One day I'm going to find the right person.

Fuck. Why aren't I good enough? Like what the fuck is wrong with me? Can someone tell me why I'm not good enough?

I do not want friends

I don't see the point in them anymore. My mum full on flipped out at me today over nothing at all, it all concluded with her telling me to 'get the fuck out' of the house. The amount of times I have fucking offered people my house as a place to stay when they have been thrown out its stupid. I have offered so many times, I call out for help today and no one is fucking there. No one is ever there.

I don't get it, I try to mend shit with people that I don't even fit in with anymore and all I hear is peoples whispers from behind my back about how I'm not trying hard enough. Why do I have to do it? Its always all me. I just can't anymore. I can't.

I don't even know why I bother. I don't want to make people happy anymore. I don't care if people get fucked off because I just don't see a point. People talk shit so easily. I don't even have to do anything anymore and I'm still ruining everything for everyone. I just need to be heavily medicated so my mind will stop buzzing and I'll stop crying because I just don't want to try and keep friends anymore. I just can't rely on people for anything at all. No one has ever been there. I'm tired of feeling like some pathetic piece of shit. Everyone just makes me feel so petty and shit and I just don't want to anymore.

I don't have anywhere anymore. I don't have anything anymore.

I tried writing this on tumblr but I couldn't

I really get sick of hearing "Oh Dakota, you're so lucky to have Jay" and the reason I'm so sick of hearing it is because all I hear is "Oh Dakota, you're such a bitch and you're not very pretty either. You are lucky that someone as attractive as Jay settled for you because lets face it you're never going to get anyone half as attractive and caring as him because you're a really ugly fat person who just doesn't deserve him"

Fuck off. I don't fucking care. Don't eye fuck my boyfriend in front of me. Its not going to fucking happen. Don't fucking go on about how 'lucky' I am because I know I'm fucking lucky that he actually cares about me. I'm just so tired of having people make me feel like shit because they tell me I'm unworthy of him. Why am I so unworthy of Jay to people? I just don't get it anymore. I'm so sick of people making me feel unworthy. Like fuck, I feel unworthy already. Why the fuck else would I feel so insecure about myself all the fucking time. Its just like Dakotas fat, shes not attractive, SHES NOT AT FUCKING UNI, Dakota is just fucking damaged beyond fucking repair.

I just hate people. I fucking hate everyone because everyone fucking hates me. I can't fucking do this whole act anymore. I'm so sick of pretending people are friends when they're not. I don't fucking care like just shut the fuck up. 

The Hard Parts

I always said that this year I would go to London for six months. As soon as I finished school I'd go. Then I fell in love and I don't want to go anymore because I won't see Jay for six months. So I thought I would wait for him to finish school so we would go. I even said we would only have to go for three weeks. He pretty much told me that he won't ever go to London with me because he doesn't want to go to London.

So now I'm sitting here wondering why I have wasted this entire year waiting for him when he tells me now he has no intentions of ever going to London with me because he doesn't want to go. I explain to him if we go there were a $100 train ride away from Amsterdam and Paris and Germany and everything and doesn't want to go to any of those places. He tells me he loves me but he loves his family more and doesn't want to leave his family for a brief period for a holiday.

I don't see a point in staying with him now. I've wasted a year of my life waiting for him to go with me because that was the plan and now he doesn't want to go? What am I meant to make of that. I want to explore with him and see the world because it would be amazing and I wouldn't want to share that with anyone else but he just doesn't like London so he doesn't want to go. So I've spent this entire year feeling lost, and confused and pathetic because I'm doing nothing with my life and it was all for nothing.

My dreams get crushed. The really fucking stupid thing though is that I can't leave him. I love him so much I just can't. At the same time I hate him for denying me this one thing I've always wanted and he just doesn't want to go with me. As I write this I think to myself its just because he doesn't love you, but I've given him so many options to leave and he never wants to leave and he gets upset when I ask him if he wants to.

I just feel so shit right now because I can't choose between my stupid dreams or this stupid relationship. I try really hard. All I need is order with me and Jay. Thats it, and he just can't do that so its like I'm always upset and he doesn't care because he doesn't see it as being wrong and I just don't know what to do.

I've never loved anyone like this. I've never tried so hard at anything in my life than this relationship. I'm terrible with people I never make plans or do anything with/for my friends, but I try so hard with Jay and he doesn't want to try back. I make him so many things. I brought my streetfighter arcade stick so he wouldn't only have to watch movies at my house with me. I always try to get interested in his stuff and he just doesn't want to do it for me.

No one ever tells you how hard it is to choose between your dreams or the person you love. No one ever tells you how you let go of your dreams. No one ever tells you how you let go of someone your still madly in love with.